You’ve likely heard of the concept of positive affirmations. Perhaps it’s something that’s already a part of your daily routine. Or maybe you have a practice of saying a few affirmations before you go into an interview or lead a presentation.
And yet perhaps… you’ve heard of the concept and roll your eyes even seeing it on this page. Maybe you think it’s something that’s “so millennial”, emerging from a culture where everyone needs a trophy for everything. Or even, you think to yourself “yea but that’s for happy people, I have too much going on for that”. Or, “life is hard, pollyanna thinking isn’t realistic here”.
Cool, I hear that. And, something I know is that negative thoughts have no shame taking over your thoughts whenever they want. It is not indulgent of you to give some air time to what’s going right for you. I’m not talking about being naive and pretending we aren’t nuanced people, or suggesting that just “thinking positively” is the route.
Positive affirmations are a route to bolstering what is going right for you, and can tilt the momentum toward the positive. You get to be nuanced, and that means your “darker” emotions are welcome here.
But, that means the “positive” emotions are also welcome. I want to invite you to give them the mic for a few moments. Let’s look at how positive affirmations might offer some value.
What are positive affirmations?
Positive affirmations are phrases used to challenge negative thinking patterns. They are used to motivate yourself and boost self-esteem. They serve as reminders, and inspiration of your goals and who you want to be in the world. There’s even research backing up the positive impact of self-affirmations.
Self-affirmation theory (Steele CM, 1988) poses that people are fundamentally motivated to maintain their self-integrity. In practicing positive affirmations, you bolster a global narrative about yourself. This global narrative is your sense of positive self-identity. In this self-identity, you are capable of adapting, are trusting of yourself, and have strengths to use.
Positive self-identity is about emphasizing and acknowledging your competency in areas of life that you personally value. It is not about striving for perfection in all areas. When you acknowledge yourself in the areas you value, you recognize the importance of alignment to those areas. You give meaning to those aspects.
Self-integrity is a core component of affirmation theory. It suggests that people say positive affirmations not because they want to receive the positive phrase, but because they want to deserve that positive phrase. We want to know that the experience is aligned with our actions.
Now you might be thinking: “I’m not that positive”, or “I don’t think that highly of myself, these affirmations aren’t true.” Let’s look at that.
“Negative Emotions” Are Welcome Here
A study at the University of Waterloo looked at people with high and low self-esteem, and the impact that positive affirmations had. Participants measured their self-esteem and were randomly assigned to two groups, with equal representations of high and low self-esteem in each.
In one group, participants simply wrote down their feelings for four minutes. In the other condition, participants wrote down their feelings and repeated “I am a lovable person” on cue, 16 times. Those with low self-esteem felt worse after both journaling and repeating “I am a lovable person” than they did prior, and those with high self-esteem felt better in both conditions. Interesting, right? So in this study, those with low self-esteem didn’t benefit from stating positive affirmations, and those actually caused them to feel worse than before.
The researchers tweaked the conditions for a follow up study to see how this could shift.
In the follow-up study, the researchers had one group repeat “I am a lovable person” and asked them to focus on times when that statement is true for them. They instructed the other group to repeat the same phrase, but focus on when it’s true and not true for them. Those with low self-esteem had better moods when they were asked to focus on the negative and positive; any negative emotions were also welcomed.
When you think negatively of yourself, and start saying positive affirmations, the distance between this happy message (e.g: “I am brilliant!”) and how you actually feel in that moment (perhaps “I’m not that smart and others are smarter than me”) is too large. Researchers pose that when the positive self-statement greatly conflicts with self-perception, it actually reinforces the negative self-perception.
However, when you find the bit of truth in the statement, and focus on that bit of truth, the positive affirmations are helpful. The closer to the truth they feel to you, the more helpful they can be. Let’s look at how to construct positive affirmations that truly work for you.
Making Them Work For You, Personally
Affirmations are articulations of personal values, and values that you want to honor more of in your life.
Let’s explore some of your positive affirmations. To get ready, find somewhere you can be alone and connected to yourself. Get grounded, energized, and connected with who you are. Let any worry sit aside, and invite in your wise, best, self. Audition a few formats for these statements.
The proud statement
This format is short and powerful. It starts with “I am”. This statement elevates your experience and provides a meta statement about your life. It sweeps your reality into a grand title, claiming who you are.
“I am powerful.” “I am a wonderful friend.” “I am capable.”
The nugget of truth
This format emphasizes progress instead of perfection. It doesn’t think in absolutes, and allows room to recognize where you are today. Therefore, it reframes your thinking from all or nothing, to acknowledging the progress that’s happening. It looks at who you are becoming, and underscores that.
“I am making changes to improve my life, and that is great.”
“I am making good choices and am truly making an effort to be healthy.”
These types of statements give credit to where it is challenging, and emphasize the good happening along the way. It is less about the end state, and more about what is good today on your life’s journey.
“I am finding creative ways to be a good friend, even if it is hard right now.”
This format works particularly well when grand statements feel far from the truth. They are like a breadcrumb from Hansel and Gretel, or a nugget of truth to celebrate as you walk your path.
The eliciting questions
When the evidence against affirmations is stacked too high, eliciting questions can be a great way to access this.
Essentially, you swap the format from “I am” to “Am I?” and invite the thoughts that follow to the table. In doing so, you welcome the negative thoughts with curiosity, and get curious in challenging them.
“Am I good at making new friends?”
You might answer this with “Well, I tend to get shy and timid when meeting people for the first time, especially at a big party. However, last month when I was at a BBQ, I met someone super interesting and we chatted while grilling for an hour, and they thought I was so funny.”
Then you ask yourself a follow-up like, “What did I do that worked there and how can I do more of that?”
This might lead to “I’m actually really good at making new friends if we’re doing something together, I’m relaxed, and can use my strength of humor.”
“I am good at using humor to make new friends and create a relaxed space for great conversations.”
How to Construct Your Version of Positive Affirmations
When you’re thinking of your affirmations, remember these tips:
- Start with the words “I am”.
- Don’t use the word “not” in your affirmation – for example: instead of “I am not afraid of disappointing”, you could say “I am comfortable being me” .
- Keep them short.
- Keep them specific.
- Write them in the present tense.
- Write them about yourself, and your own identity and behavior.
Where Can You Take This?
The science behind positive affirmations is still evolving. Take what you want and give this a shot in your own life. Perhaps you can even add your own twist to positive affirmations. Maybe write an affirmation on a post-it as a reminder. Or journal about it.
There is a lot going on in the world, and I’m sure in your life, personally. I invite you to give yourself this gift. Wherever you are on your path, there is something you are doing right, and are putting effort into. Where can you give yourself some credit? What affirmations feel true to you, that you can repeat today?
If you need some inspiration, check out this video of Daily Affirmations that went viral a few years back. This little kid is onto something and starts her day standing on the bathroom sink and filling the air with all sorts of daily affirmations. She can teach you how to get into it, she embraces this to the fullest expression (and it’s just a cute video).
Hey, maybe you try that tomorrow morning when you’re getting ready for the day? Give it a shot.
